So Tired, but we are getting there

Wow, it has been a crazy few weeks. We have officially been in the new house for 2 weeks. We are still trying to find things and unpack and put this place together. It’s not functioning as well as it might, but we are all so happy to be in a nice warm house, sleeping in comfy beds, instead of the cramped trailer. Ben and I keep joking that he cured my desire to go camping for life.

As i said, we are still working on things. But we are making strides. I have a pantry, mostly. I have a closet, kinda. And I am starting to find our things and decide what has a home here and what will be going. So far, it looks like we are going to have a fantastic yard sale next spring.

The biggest accomplishment for me is that we are finally finding some normalcy which is allowing me to be able to set some routines with the kids. Today I was able to read with both girls, 20 min each! I haven’t been able to do that in over a year.

Getting to that place in our journey is finally starting to make me feel like this entire adventure really was worth it. We are going to have such a great life here together.

Advertisements

It’s a Lot

It seems like I an writing about my anxiety a lot these days. But I am feeling it a lot these. There is a lot going on. Running a newspaper, raising 4 children, building a house (still isnt done), and today it the llama show.

Today is probably the worst I have felt. I am a shaking, trying to deep breath and not have a panic attack mess up here today.

There are too many reasons to talk about, but let’s just say there is a lot of baggage that goes with me sitting here today, and most of it I cant solve and therefore I sit here, trying not to hold it together.

I know that people can tell, which makes it a little worse. I want to be my usual smiling, happy, sociable self, but I just cant with everything I am thinking and feeling today.

I am telling myself to just breath and get through it. I am forcing myself to focus on the job before me, and not all the “bad.”

I have anxiety, and as much as I want to crawl in a hole there are people that need me, responsibilities that I cant pass off or walk away from. So I just have to somehow get through this day, and then tomorrow, and then the next.

Just keep breathing and get through it.

The Rollercoaster House Build is Almost Over

The last few weeks, as issues and delays arise, I keep telling myself, “It’s almost over.” The last two and a half years of struggling, fighting, and working so hard toward this dream of building our family a forever home is finally coming to a close. We are about to be able to make memories and enjoy what we have stressed over for so long.

To me, this part almost seems harder that every other hiccup. Right now it feels like every delay equals one more week our finish date is pushed out. One more week that my family of six squishes in our 35 foot trailer. I don’t think any of will ever want to go camping in it now.

I am glad that we are seeing daily progress, mostly, but I am SO ready to be in there, unpacked, listening to my children giggle and run. Although the running will also drive me a little.

I know that we will all look back on this time and remember all the fun and wonder of it. But right now I just want everyone to show up and get this house done!!

It’s been a tough couple of weeks

Ever have that feeling like you don’t know whether the universe and god are trying to tell you to either work harder at something or quit because it wasn’t meant to be? That seems to be the way our life is going right now.

The house we are building is progressing, and it is wonderful to see some progress. But it took the drywall guys and extra week. Then while we were prepping and sanding they finally showed up to sand. Then the next day (we needed to let all the dust settle) they showed to clean….which we only let them half do since we didnt want them to stir up dust again. The next time a crew showed up, we sent them away.

We finally got to the point where we could get in there and paint. Ben was awesome! He sprayed everything with primer, went back to do all the ceiling and some of the main rooms….he rocked it. We didn’t quite finish, but accomplished enough to not halt production.

That evening, after we left at Round 11 pm, someone came and stole our front door. Video from our neighbors shows them pulling up front, driving away, coming back to pull around back of the house, sit there for about 6 min ( we assume to load a door) and pulling out to drive away.

The sheriff that responded the next morning when I discovered this was shocked. He said that theft from a construction site is very common, for appliances or other large tickets items that are easily loaded to “run” with. But he had never responded to a front door being stolen.

When you think about the struggle and hard work that it has taken to get here I can’t help but think “are we supposed to be doing something differently? Working harder? Or are we being silly and we are the only ones not in on the joke?”

This entire process is a lot for any person even when it goes smoothly. We have encountered more than our fair share of “bumps” for aspiring to complete this dream. At this point I can’t decide whether I am more excited for the project to be done so I don’t have to deal with these things or so that I can have the house we have worked so hard for, lol.

This is Me

Someone was having a conversation with me the other day (as I was trying to not have a complete panic attack) and said “I hope your husband knows how lucky he is. I don’t know anyone else who could handle what you do while staying calm like you.”

I didn’t even know how to respond. Because I don’t think that about myself and I don’t feel that way about myself.

I have high functioning depression and high functioning anxiety. Most people who meet me or know me wouldn’t know about either. I force myself to not show any signs. I have confided in very few people the intense feelings I continue to have.

Because talking about these traits or showing them to the world feels too much about me and wrong. Feels like weakness.

But I have to admit, even if it is only to myself, that i have days when i want to cry in bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist. My children choosing to not listen or help me when they are capable puts me on the verge of a panic attack. And I could probably continue, but as I said I don’t like talking about me.

I am going to try and focus on one good thing I accomplish each day instead of the 20 I feel like I failed at and then see where I am. Today, I have kept all four children alive.

Update as Summer begins

Wow, life has been a whirlwind. Construction is well under way. We have walls, electrical, plumbing, we have sheetrock, and mudding is happening. We should be able to paint soon!

Cabinets are here and ready to be delivered whenever we are ready and I have gotten to make a lot of choices for items like flooring and lights to go in the house. I can see it coming together in my mind. I am just waiting for all of those things to be installed.

Sabriel just finished up first grade. Wow had did that happen! So summer break has officially begun. We are ready for some time outside and the kids are already begging to invade grandmas pool.

Along with that the newspapers are taking a lot of attention. This is usually our busy season, so I am scrambling to keep up with everything and everyone. We are at the point where more hand would be helpful, but can’t really afford it yet. So I am filling in as much as I can to keep things going.

But I am feeling a little overwhelmed, a little behind, and a little like nothing is getting my focus or best effort. There is just too much!

I finally broke down and hired a babysitter so I can have a couple of hours each day to try and focus. I am really struggling with the amount of time I need to take away from the kids to give to the newspaper. I want them to be my priority, but we also need our business to do well to pay the bills. It’s been a constant struggle for me. I am hoping that the couple hours will allow me to focus more on what is in front of me instead of constantly trying to work while interacting with the kiddos. I will let you know is that helps my anxiety or not. Am I the only one feeling this way?

You Never Know

Today was a true experience.My children love to gather things and draw things and then give them to those that are around them. Whether it be family, friends, the server at the restaurant, or strangers.

It has always bothered me a little because I feel as though they are burdening those who are receiving their “gift”. Not everyone wants a stack of items from child.

But today my daughter decided she was going to hang the flowers she had lovingly chosen and picked up off the ground to the receptionist at the hotel who was helping us check out.

The woman, Symone it think was her name, burst into tears. She then proceeded to tell us he niece had passed away that morning in Germany.

She walked around the counter, and asked to hug my daughter.I said absolutely, and all of my kind hearted children took turns standing holding this complete stranger in her time of woe.

I couldn’t have been more proud of them. Couldn’t have appreciated their random kindness more. I could, absolutely, see God’s hand guiding them to give some light to this womans dark day.

It has made think that I need to look within myself more to not squelch the kindness that my children are freely giving to others. Someone may need it, and who I am to decide that?