It’s been a tough couple of weeks

Ever have that feeling like you don’t know whether the universe and god are trying to tell you to either work harder at something or quit because it wasn’t meant to be? That seems to be the way our life is going right now.

The house we are building is progressing, and it is wonderful to see some progress. But it took the drywall guys and extra week. Then while we were prepping and sanding they finally showed up to sand. Then the next day (we needed to let all the dust settle) they showed to clean….which we only let them half do since we didnt want them to stir up dust again. The next time a crew showed up, we sent them away.

We finally got to the point where we could get in there and paint. Ben was awesome! He sprayed everything with primer, went back to do all the ceiling and some of the main rooms….he rocked it. We didn’t quite finish, but accomplished enough to not halt production.

That evening, after we left at Round 11 pm, someone came and stole our front door. Video from our neighbors shows them pulling up front, driving away, coming back to pull around back of the house, sit there for about 6 min ( we assume to load a door) and pulling out to drive away.

The sheriff that responded the next morning when I discovered this was shocked. He said that theft from a construction site is very common, for appliances or other large tickets items that are easily loaded to “run” with. But he had never responded to a front door being stolen.

When you think about the struggle and hard work that it has taken to get here I can’t help but think “are we supposed to be doing something differently? Working harder? Or are we being silly and we are the only ones not in on the joke?”

This entire process is a lot for any person even when it goes smoothly. We have encountered more than our fair share of “bumps” for aspiring to complete this dream. At this point I can’t decide whether I am more excited for the project to be done so I don’t have to deal with these things or so that I can have the house we have worked so hard for, lol.

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This is Me

Someone was having a conversation with me the other day (as I was trying to not have a complete panic attack) and said “I hope your husband knows how lucky he is. I don’t know anyone else who could handle what you do while staying calm like you.”

I didn’t even know how to respond. Because I don’t think that about myself and I don’t feel that way about myself.

I have high functioning depression and high functioning anxiety. Most people who meet me or know me wouldn’t know about either. I force myself to not show any signs. I have confided in very few people the intense feelings I continue to have.

Because talking about these traits or showing them to the world feels too much about me and wrong. Feels like weakness.

But I have to admit, even if it is only to myself, that i have days when i want to cry in bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist. My children choosing to not listen or help me when they are capable puts me on the verge of a panic attack. And I could probably continue, but as I said I don’t like talking about me.

I am going to try and focus on one good thing I accomplish each day instead of the 20 I feel like I failed at and then see where I am. Today, I have kept all four children alive.

Update as Summer begins

Wow, life has been a whirlwind. Construction is well under way. We have walls, electrical, plumbing, we have sheetrock, and mudding is happening. We should be able to paint soon!

Cabinets are here and ready to be delivered whenever we are ready and I have gotten to make a lot of choices for items like flooring and lights to go in the house. I can see it coming together in my mind. I am just waiting for all of those things to be installed.

Sabriel just finished up first grade. Wow had did that happen! So summer break has officially begun. We are ready for some time outside and the kids are already begging to invade grandmas pool.

Along with that the newspapers are taking a lot of attention. This is usually our busy season, so I am scrambling to keep up with everything and everyone. We are at the point where more hand would be helpful, but can’t really afford it yet. So I am filling in as much as I can to keep things going.

But I am feeling a little overwhelmed, a little behind, and a little like nothing is getting my focus or best effort. There is just too much!

I finally broke down and hired a babysitter so I can have a couple of hours each day to try and focus. I am really struggling with the amount of time I need to take away from the kids to give to the newspaper. I want them to be my priority, but we also need our business to do well to pay the bills. It’s been a constant struggle for me. I am hoping that the couple hours will allow me to focus more on what is in front of me instead of constantly trying to work while interacting with the kiddos. I will let you know is that helps my anxiety or not. Am I the only one feeling this way?

You Never Know

Today was a true experience.My children love to gather things and draw things and then give them to those that are around them. Whether it be family, friends, the server at the restaurant, or strangers.

It has always bothered me a little because I feel as though they are burdening those who are receiving their “gift”. Not everyone wants a stack of items from child.

But today my daughter decided she was going to hang the flowers she had lovingly chosen and picked up off the ground to the receptionist at the hotel who was helping us check out.

The woman, Symone it think was her name, burst into tears. She then proceeded to tell us he niece had passed away that morning in Germany.

She walked around the counter, and asked to hug my daughter.I said absolutely, and all of my kind hearted children took turns standing holding this complete stranger in her time of woe.

I couldn’t have been more proud of them. Couldn’t have appreciated their random kindness more. I could, absolutely, see God’s hand guiding them to give some light to this womans dark day.

It has made think that I need to look within myself more to not squelch the kindness that my children are freely giving to others. Someone may need it, and who I am to decide that?

The Pool is Open!

The weather has finally turned enough that Grandma opened her pool. Our kiddos were in line waiting for the occasion. They have been asking all fall, all winter, at least once a week, when they will be able to swim in Grandma’s pool again.

So, one sunny day, when is finally hit just over 80° F we were able to jump in. It was a little cold, but the children didn’t mind. They were so excited to be in the sun and playing in the water that they didn’t find the slight cold disagreeable in the least.

In fact they played in the pool for over an hour. Until baby brother was cold and they begrudgingly obliged our requests to get out so we could warm him up.

The Voice of Spring Fever

As the weather has been getting nicer the children have been getting antsy for outdoor activities. At least that’s what I assume is happening since they are unable to control themselves in almost any fashion inside.

Their volume has permanently increased, regardless of my pleas for then to find their inside voices.

They are fighting constantly about ridiculous things. Not quite to the “she’s touching me” stage, but it real close.

But the biggest change with this new weather is the most unsettling. As they feel the calling to go outside they start mistreating each other. They are not talking to each other kindly. They are constantly rudely snapping or yelling at each other for any little greivance.

I honestly can’t stand the way they are speaking to each other. I am hoping that as they are able to have days outside they will start finding the kindness toward each other.

Or I should say they better. Perhaps they need a day of sitting giving each other compliments and encouragement?

It’s just the Dentist

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am an advocate for the dentist. Not just going, but enjoying the time at the dentist, it doesn’t need to be scary. And I strongly believe that little children should go to a pediatric dentist. I think having a pediatric dentist sets the ground work for a person growing having the best experience and then you (hopefully 🤞) end up like me, turning every appointment into sleep dentistry.

Today my, just turned 5 years old, daughter needed to have a cavity taken care of. All of my children seem to have inherited my lack of hearty enamel. Since she has such anxiety I knew the best option would be anesthesia.

I didn’t realize that I would be so nervous for her. I also didn’t anticipate sitting with her and the technicians holding her down as she convulsed to sleep. They had forewarned me, but it still took me aback.

After seeing that, I was asked to leave the room to let them continue; put in her IV, breathing tube, and then take care of the cavity we came here for. And now I am second guessing this entire thing. Maybe it would have been better to try and coach her through the needle poke and sit with her while they took care of the cavity?

I know it will be alright. But I’m praying just in case…… it’s just the dentist. It shouldn’t be this traumatic for both of us!