Someone was having a conversation with me the other day (as I was trying to not have a complete panic attack) and said “I hope your husband knows how lucky he is. I don’t know anyone else who could handle what you do while staying calm like you.”
I didn’t even know how to respond. Because I don’t think that about myself and I don’t feel that way about myself.
I have high functioning depression and high functioning anxiety. Most people who meet me or know me wouldn’t know about either. I force myself to not show any signs. I have confided in very few people the intense feelings I continue to have.
Because talking about these traits or showing them to the world feels too much about me and wrong. Feels like weakness.
But I have to admit, even if it is only to myself, that i have days when i want to cry in bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist. My children choosing to not listen or help me when they are capable puts me on the verge of a panic attack. And I could probably continue, but as I said I don’t like talking about me.
I am going to try and focus on one good thing I accomplish each day instead of the 20 I feel like I failed at and then see where I am. Today, I have kept all four children alive.