This is Me

Someone was having a conversation with me the other day (as I was trying to not have a complete panic attack) and said “I hope your husband knows how lucky he is. I don’t know anyone else who could handle what you do while staying calm like you.”

I didn’t even know how to respond. Because I don’t think that about myself and I don’t feel that way about myself.

I have high functioning depression and high functioning anxiety. Most people who meet me or know me wouldn’t know about either. I force myself to not show any signs. I have confided in very few people the intense feelings I continue to have.

Because talking about these traits or showing them to the world feels too much about me and wrong. Feels like weakness.

But I have to admit, even if it is only to myself, that i have days when i want to cry in bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist. My children choosing to not listen or help me when they are capable puts me on the verge of a panic attack. And I could probably continue, but as I said I don’t like talking about me.

I am going to try and focus on one good thing I accomplish each day instead of the 20 I feel like I failed at and then see where I am. Today, I have kept all four children alive.

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One thought on “This is Me

  1. When I was fired from my job I was humiliated but somewhat relieved because I was so unhappy. I couldn’t see any other way out. I was afraid of losing my license and then what could I do at my age and with my mobility at stake? I was terrified until the nice lady from the State said my license was intact and I could look for work somewhere else. But I couldn’t find work that would accommodate my mobility and pain issues. There were days when I was okay and days when I was on the verge of tears. I was so depressed. But I kept listening to Christian radio on the way to and from whatever job I had at the time. And I could feel the Lord’s presence as He guided me and comforted me through all the struggles and uncertainty. I finally found the job that was perfect for me and I am so happy now. My mother said I don’t know how you got through it and the answer was “It was the Grace of God.” And so I continue to turn to Him and lean on His Words by reading the Bible. There are so many uplifting scriptures.Two of my favorites is in the book of Philippians chapter 4 verse 6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Also verse 13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” He knows your name. He knows your every thought. He sees each tear that falls and hears you when you call. So let go and let God. He wants the very best for you and loves you. He has the power to transform your life…you just have to have that personal relationship with Him. He is waiting to hear your knock at the door and for you to invite Him in.

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